A Mother's Day Gift

In April I spent 2 weeks in beautiful sunny southern California, albeit it rained non-stop. It was a business trip, training for a lateral position I took in February. I missed my family but it is rather apparent that I needed to find some clairty.

I jumped into the seminary journey just believing that God would bring everyone else along with me. Infact, that just hasn't happened. I met some wonderful co-workers in LA and spent a good amount of time sharing my journey with another Christian. By the end of the first week I was convinced that I was not going to quit my job any time soon. Infact, the true question was whether I would be going back to school at all right now. My friend suggested that the timing may not be right. Whatever it was, it was time to make a decision before I risked everything.

It's times like this that I understand the true meaning of family. I'm convinced that God wants me to take care of what He has blessed me with - my spouse and my child. Walking away from an annual salary that is less than my MDiv education would cost was intimidating. We live debt free for a reason; we pass on nice vacations for a reason; we save money for a reason. So to walk away from a great salary, place my family under emmense pressure, have little time to give them, incur such a huge debt and eventually find a job making half ......... I stood on the beach one night in Venice, looked up at the stairs and told God "you will have to make it abundantly clear to all of us before I can move forward." This was a disappointing and difficult decision.

You may be as disappointed but trust me, this journey is not over. I have much to consider, much to discern. There are other ways to educate myself, atleast less expensive ways. There are people who are willing to mentor me. The MDiv may not be the degree I need for my call. I do know that higher education is crutial to where God wants me to be in a decade. For now the new job has revived my interest in my career.

It's time to step back and seek His voice again. I know with everything that I am that God has a special ministry for me - one that will involved reaching outside Colorado, perhaps across the country one day. I humbly ask for your prayers and your support as I go back out into the desert for answers.

A Work in Progress

Thought I'd take a moment and let you all know what's going on with school. Obviously there isn't alot of free time to blog more frequently. The first class I enrolled for in this winter quarter is a required class, History of Christianity in the Middle Ages in Western Europe. The quarters runs 10 weeks.

The class consisted of lectures and videos as well as 2 written projects from books on Thomas Aquinas and Julian of Norwich; 3 oral presentations on the Benedictine Monks, The Beguines (Heretics) and the book The Cloud of Unknowing; a total of 30 essay questions due weekly; class participation points; and a final paper on the Templar Knights.

It has been enviorating and challenging. Best news yet is that I received my final grade via email today, 'A'. I'm thrilled. My next class begins April 1, Interreligious Dialogue, and another 5 text books. From the looks of it the class will be based on Christianity, Isalm, Judiasm, Buddism and Hinduism - similarities, differences and how they coexist.

The Journey Ahead

Hard to believe four decades are gone, atleast for me, and I'm in my fifth. Time flies! Ushering in the new year brings thoughts of the journey that lies ahead. A new year, a new decade, welcome to 2010.

As next week approaches I'm a little anxious, excited and frankly humbled with what God has given me. What's that old saying ... "to whom much is given, much is expected". I say, bring it on! Of course I spend every waking hour thinking about my ministry and where God will use me. But I've also been consumed with the idea of making a documentary. Who will God bring to help me with it? Can I possibly obtain the equiptment necessary to do so? How long will it take? Who is my audience? What is the basis premise of the film? So many questions it's mind boggling. Art, writing, film making, all these things I am not. And then I think back to what I know for sure ... that God will use me in a public way. God will require that I step outside of my comfort zone. He will use me to build community, build bridges, promote reconciliation and create understanding.

The film will require interviews, but when? It will require filming locations and object, easy enough. It will require specific music - which my songwriter spouse is happy to provide. It will require marketing. It's quite an undertaking but I believe this is a definite path I am to be on.
Tonight I remembered an old friend, a woman I met at a Soul Force rally several years ago. At the time of our meeting she had recently left the employment of a subsidiary of Focus on the Family and was having a religious battle in her coming out. She attended church a few times, we socialized on a number of occassions and had coffee a couple of times. She and I came from different places but found a common bond that to this day I'm not sure I understand. I'd lost contact with her after Jaida was born. But her name came to me tonight and I 'Googled' her. This friend of my is a documentary film maker, producer and graphic designer now living in Seattle. Interesting!

Perhaps all those years ago our paths crossed for the purpose of future collaboration. Funny how God works. I was lucky enough to find an address and will be sending her snail mail this next week. What are the chances?

This next year, and decade, has so much change in store for all of us. My classes start next week. My new position at work begins in February. And through the past few months God has been breaking me down, bit by bit, to prepare me to be resculpted. Those layers are being stripped away. My weaknesses have been brought to light. My strengths are being used in brand new ways. And parts of me that I didn't know existed are surfacing. Simply, I am wet clay.

If nothing else, I hope and pray to better understand love and promote peace. Peace within myself, within my marriage, within my family, my church, my city, my country, the world. That's a large order but God gave us so many talents and abilities that if we ever amassed them and put them to task it wouldn't seem such an undertaking. I want to be a vessell to promote understanding and elicit knowledge that conquers ingorance and fear. I want to be a vessell to promote reconciliation that transcends self. I want to be a vessell to inspire love that knows no bounds. I want to be a vessell to promote peace. God I pray that you will use me, as Jaida would say, in 'HUGE' ways. Allow me to be your voice, to be tenacious when facing challenge and to continue to follow the path you predetermined.

I am ready to step out in faith, outside my comfort zone, outside of the box.

Discernment

Officially I have 4 weeks until I begin seminary, January 5. I've had lot of things on my mind, pushing, pulling, churning ... so much so that it's been exhausting. Then the phone rings. It's Iliff! They wanted to discuss the winter collquim that is required every quarter of the first year. It's more of a mentoring and discernment time ... a weekly groug meeting and volunteer work during the week. The idea is to work in several different areas of ministry and gather weekly with a group and mentor as we discuss and discern our futures.

Sound like a great idea, and something I really need right now BUT, 2 nights a week at class (3-4 hours each night), 4 hours of volunteer work AND studying????? This is too much right now. This is not what I was anticipatng when I decided to "take a class" while still working full time. We've discussed it and at this point I do think I'm going to hold off on the required field education until fall, stick with the one class and just allow my little family time to get used to all of this.

What it has done is added more chaos to my mind. Over the past couple of months I've been considering ministry options ... prison ministry which sounds kind of scary, hospital ministry which sounds kind of depressing, christian counseling which sounds a little boring, pastoring which sounds intimidating ... and then I've been consumed with writing, perhaps a book and with the idea of someday making a documentary. WHERE DID THAT COME FROM? I push the Virgo boundaries for being creative and artistic but not that much. Writing and film making is something I'm really excited about, driven to learn more about it and movtivated in a whole new way.

What does all this mean? I have no idea. But like I always do, I'm beginning to take notes, document my thoughts and ideas, research, pray and listen. Out of all the above ministries outreaches this one excites me the most. But I'm still open to what God will have for me.

I know this is just the beginnig of discerning what I want to be when I grow up, well, when I graduate. But it's a bright shining light at the end of a very long tunnel I've been crawling through for decades. What a journey we are on. I'm so blessed to have you all on this journey with me. You have been chosen to be here with me along the way so thank you.

Just Another Two Year Old!

A couple months ago when I was discerning my call I was driving down the road from picking Jaida up at daycare. I turned to her in the back seat (no as a professional claims adjustor you should NOT do that) and asked her if she thought Mommy Cheryl could be a pastor like Mr. Steve. She grinned from ear to ear and said, "No, that's silly Mom." My heart sank. I asked her why that was silly and she said "Mr. Steve talks too much." I lost it.



So just last week, as I was trying to avert the oncoming of a foul mood I asked her again, "Jaida, do you think Mommy Cheryl will be a pastor like Mr. Steve?" She smiled and said "Yes." Aren't kids something else. You just gotta love 'em.

Now Mr. Steve has taken on a critical role in Jaida's life, whether he understands that or not. Whenever we go to bed on Saturday night and tell her she needs to get a good night sleep for church on Sunday she says, "I see Mr. Steve." She absolutely LOVES Mr. Steve. If he's in the church she'll find him and all she really wants is to show him her painted nails, her book or her barbie. I'm just so thrilled that he is so wonderful about it. He picks her up and loves on her like there is no one else around. We are so grateful for that 3-5 mintues he gives her. That's all she needs.

Evenso, I'm thrilled than when we bring her up for communion or the last song of the service that Mr.Steve doesn't mind if she runs to him or Kandis. Either way she's in her glory in the front of the church, getting all the love and attention she craves.

I have to say, other than her Grandpa, Grampy and Uncle Will that Mr. Steve was tops on her list. She sees him more than the other men in her life. Even her Godfather Poppi (Denny). Finally in the last couple weeks we've gotten to see Jaida with her Poppi in the way we'd hoped before she was born. She had his full attention after dinner one night. Poppi was down on his knees in the living room, not very smal for a man 6'5 and Jaida was ordering him to be 'her kitty'. He played with her, read to her, held her and bathed her. A week later she barged into the church council meeting and got right up on his lap and snuggled with him. The council smiled and Poppi proudly boasted, "this is my Goddaughter!" Jaida looked across the room and saw Mr. Steve and smiled but nudged even closer to her Poppi. When Steve got up to leave the room Jaida chased him down the hallway for another hug.

We are so blessed to have such wonderful men in our lives. There are more but these two are particularly special to Jaida. Just as it should be.

What a blessed life we have. A loving family, a good relationship, a beautiful daughter, jobs, a home, God in our lives ......... life is good!

The Waiting is Over!

Tonight I find myself speechless, if you can imagine that. I've been checking the Iliff Admissions Website daily to see if there was any update - nothing! Last night as I gathered with some very dear friends and former co-workers I found myself joyful that they had found something better. Sadly, I miss them! As I drove home in time to put Jaida to bed I realized that I was days away from knowing if there was a light at the end of the tunnel for me.

After a beautiful day with my family I sat down one more time to check on my status - yes I can be obessive that way. But something was different. My status was no longer 'file in review since 10/28/09". My status read 'Admitted 11/6/09'. What? I believe I was just admitted to Iliff School of Theology to pursue my Masters of Divinity. I can't even process right now. If you've read my blog then you've gone along on this journey with me and understand what it's taken to get me, us, to this point. God knows we have no idea what is in store for us going forward. But the most beautiful thing is that Kandis, Jaida and I will be on this journey together.

Thank you God for believing in me. Thank you for choosing me, for choosing my family and for choosing Kandis and Jaida. We are humbled by your call. I never doubted that you have called me to ministry but I denied it mostly by denying myself. Hard to believe it's taken this long to accept myself for exactly who I am and in doing so, accepting your call.

Please continue to give us the courage, faith and guidance.

Revelations

In 2002 I felt that God was asking me to step out of the box and lean on him in a big way. After five years in a successful job I resigned and started my own professional organizing business and helping Kandis in her cleaning business. At the time I thought that God has something new in store for me. Behold, I do a new thing! Everyone in my life thought I was crazy walking away from a bright future but I knew that God was leading me and things would be fine. I didn't understand where He was leading me but I knew I needed to listen.

After 18 months and the aftershock of 9-11 I was unable to maintain my client base and began looking for stable work again. I'd understood the significance of stepping out in faith but could not understand why my business failed sending me back into corporate America 2 years after leaving. The stint (job) I held from month 18-24 was so incredibly miserable that I can't even write about it. Fortunately in 2004 I found my way into my current job restoring our bank account and my confidence.

As I posted yesterday I kept thinking, I've been here before. This place where God asks me to step out in faith, give it all up ... but I can't remember when. Why does this position of being tested in the same way seems so familiar? Once again I feel God asking me to step away from all that 'appears' secure (the job) and follow Him. Why has it come to this again? What did I miss the first time?

As I sat thru In The Light tonight it came to me. The answer I've been seeking for seven years about why I left my job in 2002. It was a test. It was God putting me through the very same test that I face today except the path is clear, the direction defined, the call confirmed. It was a huge move for me to make and as I face the days and months ahead it seems small in comparison. Back then we had a small mortgage, Kandis's income was steady and we had nothing to loose. Now we have twice the mortgage and daycare for Jaida that equals it. We just got Kandis back to work in August. I barely made it through being fired and/or laid off. We have health and dental insurance. We just restarted our 401k after 2 years. And to follow this call we are to walk away from all of that, figure out a way to pay the bills every month and pay tuition every quarter while continuing to nuture our family life.

God can move mountains. I do believe this. I have seen it. And I'm sharing this blog because I want others to see it too. Seven years ago God was leading me, preparing me, challenging me simply to see if I'd listen and now I understand why. If I'd not had that experience I might not be prepared for what lies ahead.