The Journey Ahead

Hard to believe four decades are gone, atleast for me, and I'm in my fifth. Time flies! Ushering in the new year brings thoughts of the journey that lies ahead. A new year, a new decade, welcome to 2010.

As next week approaches I'm a little anxious, excited and frankly humbled with what God has given me. What's that old saying ... "to whom much is given, much is expected". I say, bring it on! Of course I spend every waking hour thinking about my ministry and where God will use me. But I've also been consumed with the idea of making a documentary. Who will God bring to help me with it? Can I possibly obtain the equiptment necessary to do so? How long will it take? Who is my audience? What is the basis premise of the film? So many questions it's mind boggling. Art, writing, film making, all these things I am not. And then I think back to what I know for sure ... that God will use me in a public way. God will require that I step outside of my comfort zone. He will use me to build community, build bridges, promote reconciliation and create understanding.

The film will require interviews, but when? It will require filming locations and object, easy enough. It will require specific music - which my songwriter spouse is happy to provide. It will require marketing. It's quite an undertaking but I believe this is a definite path I am to be on.
Tonight I remembered an old friend, a woman I met at a Soul Force rally several years ago. At the time of our meeting she had recently left the employment of a subsidiary of Focus on the Family and was having a religious battle in her coming out. She attended church a few times, we socialized on a number of occassions and had coffee a couple of times. She and I came from different places but found a common bond that to this day I'm not sure I understand. I'd lost contact with her after Jaida was born. But her name came to me tonight and I 'Googled' her. This friend of my is a documentary film maker, producer and graphic designer now living in Seattle. Interesting!

Perhaps all those years ago our paths crossed for the purpose of future collaboration. Funny how God works. I was lucky enough to find an address and will be sending her snail mail this next week. What are the chances?

This next year, and decade, has so much change in store for all of us. My classes start next week. My new position at work begins in February. And through the past few months God has been breaking me down, bit by bit, to prepare me to be resculpted. Those layers are being stripped away. My weaknesses have been brought to light. My strengths are being used in brand new ways. And parts of me that I didn't know existed are surfacing. Simply, I am wet clay.

If nothing else, I hope and pray to better understand love and promote peace. Peace within myself, within my marriage, within my family, my church, my city, my country, the world. That's a large order but God gave us so many talents and abilities that if we ever amassed them and put them to task it wouldn't seem such an undertaking. I want to be a vessell to promote understanding and elicit knowledge that conquers ingorance and fear. I want to be a vessell to promote reconciliation that transcends self. I want to be a vessell to inspire love that knows no bounds. I want to be a vessell to promote peace. God I pray that you will use me, as Jaida would say, in 'HUGE' ways. Allow me to be your voice, to be tenacious when facing challenge and to continue to follow the path you predetermined.

I am ready to step out in faith, outside my comfort zone, outside of the box.

Discernment

Officially I have 4 weeks until I begin seminary, January 5. I've had lot of things on my mind, pushing, pulling, churning ... so much so that it's been exhausting. Then the phone rings. It's Iliff! They wanted to discuss the winter collquim that is required every quarter of the first year. It's more of a mentoring and discernment time ... a weekly groug meeting and volunteer work during the week. The idea is to work in several different areas of ministry and gather weekly with a group and mentor as we discuss and discern our futures.

Sound like a great idea, and something I really need right now BUT, 2 nights a week at class (3-4 hours each night), 4 hours of volunteer work AND studying????? This is too much right now. This is not what I was anticipatng when I decided to "take a class" while still working full time. We've discussed it and at this point I do think I'm going to hold off on the required field education until fall, stick with the one class and just allow my little family time to get used to all of this.

What it has done is added more chaos to my mind. Over the past couple of months I've been considering ministry options ... prison ministry which sounds kind of scary, hospital ministry which sounds kind of depressing, christian counseling which sounds a little boring, pastoring which sounds intimidating ... and then I've been consumed with writing, perhaps a book and with the idea of someday making a documentary. WHERE DID THAT COME FROM? I push the Virgo boundaries for being creative and artistic but not that much. Writing and film making is something I'm really excited about, driven to learn more about it and movtivated in a whole new way.

What does all this mean? I have no idea. But like I always do, I'm beginning to take notes, document my thoughts and ideas, research, pray and listen. Out of all the above ministries outreaches this one excites me the most. But I'm still open to what God will have for me.

I know this is just the beginnig of discerning what I want to be when I grow up, well, when I graduate. But it's a bright shining light at the end of a very long tunnel I've been crawling through for decades. What a journey we are on. I'm so blessed to have you all on this journey with me. You have been chosen to be here with me along the way so thank you.

Just Another Two Year Old!

A couple months ago when I was discerning my call I was driving down the road from picking Jaida up at daycare. I turned to her in the back seat (no as a professional claims adjustor you should NOT do that) and asked her if she thought Mommy Cheryl could be a pastor like Mr. Steve. She grinned from ear to ear and said, "No, that's silly Mom." My heart sank. I asked her why that was silly and she said "Mr. Steve talks too much." I lost it.



So just last week, as I was trying to avert the oncoming of a foul mood I asked her again, "Jaida, do you think Mommy Cheryl will be a pastor like Mr. Steve?" She smiled and said "Yes." Aren't kids something else. You just gotta love 'em.

Now Mr. Steve has taken on a critical role in Jaida's life, whether he understands that or not. Whenever we go to bed on Saturday night and tell her she needs to get a good night sleep for church on Sunday she says, "I see Mr. Steve." She absolutely LOVES Mr. Steve. If he's in the church she'll find him and all she really wants is to show him her painted nails, her book or her barbie. I'm just so thrilled that he is so wonderful about it. He picks her up and loves on her like there is no one else around. We are so grateful for that 3-5 mintues he gives her. That's all she needs.

Evenso, I'm thrilled than when we bring her up for communion or the last song of the service that Mr.Steve doesn't mind if she runs to him or Kandis. Either way she's in her glory in the front of the church, getting all the love and attention she craves.

I have to say, other than her Grandpa, Grampy and Uncle Will that Mr. Steve was tops on her list. She sees him more than the other men in her life. Even her Godfather Poppi (Denny). Finally in the last couple weeks we've gotten to see Jaida with her Poppi in the way we'd hoped before she was born. She had his full attention after dinner one night. Poppi was down on his knees in the living room, not very smal for a man 6'5 and Jaida was ordering him to be 'her kitty'. He played with her, read to her, held her and bathed her. A week later she barged into the church council meeting and got right up on his lap and snuggled with him. The council smiled and Poppi proudly boasted, "this is my Goddaughter!" Jaida looked across the room and saw Mr. Steve and smiled but nudged even closer to her Poppi. When Steve got up to leave the room Jaida chased him down the hallway for another hug.

We are so blessed to have such wonderful men in our lives. There are more but these two are particularly special to Jaida. Just as it should be.

What a blessed life we have. A loving family, a good relationship, a beautiful daughter, jobs, a home, God in our lives ......... life is good!

The Waiting is Over!

Tonight I find myself speechless, if you can imagine that. I've been checking the Iliff Admissions Website daily to see if there was any update - nothing! Last night as I gathered with some very dear friends and former co-workers I found myself joyful that they had found something better. Sadly, I miss them! As I drove home in time to put Jaida to bed I realized that I was days away from knowing if there was a light at the end of the tunnel for me.

After a beautiful day with my family I sat down one more time to check on my status - yes I can be obessive that way. But something was different. My status was no longer 'file in review since 10/28/09". My status read 'Admitted 11/6/09'. What? I believe I was just admitted to Iliff School of Theology to pursue my Masters of Divinity. I can't even process right now. If you've read my blog then you've gone along on this journey with me and understand what it's taken to get me, us, to this point. God knows we have no idea what is in store for us going forward. But the most beautiful thing is that Kandis, Jaida and I will be on this journey together.

Thank you God for believing in me. Thank you for choosing me, for choosing my family and for choosing Kandis and Jaida. We are humbled by your call. I never doubted that you have called me to ministry but I denied it mostly by denying myself. Hard to believe it's taken this long to accept myself for exactly who I am and in doing so, accepting your call.

Please continue to give us the courage, faith and guidance.

Revelations

In 2002 I felt that God was asking me to step out of the box and lean on him in a big way. After five years in a successful job I resigned and started my own professional organizing business and helping Kandis in her cleaning business. At the time I thought that God has something new in store for me. Behold, I do a new thing! Everyone in my life thought I was crazy walking away from a bright future but I knew that God was leading me and things would be fine. I didn't understand where He was leading me but I knew I needed to listen.

After 18 months and the aftershock of 9-11 I was unable to maintain my client base and began looking for stable work again. I'd understood the significance of stepping out in faith but could not understand why my business failed sending me back into corporate America 2 years after leaving. The stint (job) I held from month 18-24 was so incredibly miserable that I can't even write about it. Fortunately in 2004 I found my way into my current job restoring our bank account and my confidence.

As I posted yesterday I kept thinking, I've been here before. This place where God asks me to step out in faith, give it all up ... but I can't remember when. Why does this position of being tested in the same way seems so familiar? Once again I feel God asking me to step away from all that 'appears' secure (the job) and follow Him. Why has it come to this again? What did I miss the first time?

As I sat thru In The Light tonight it came to me. The answer I've been seeking for seven years about why I left my job in 2002. It was a test. It was God putting me through the very same test that I face today except the path is clear, the direction defined, the call confirmed. It was a huge move for me to make and as I face the days and months ahead it seems small in comparison. Back then we had a small mortgage, Kandis's income was steady and we had nothing to loose. Now we have twice the mortgage and daycare for Jaida that equals it. We just got Kandis back to work in August. I barely made it through being fired and/or laid off. We have health and dental insurance. We just restarted our 401k after 2 years. And to follow this call we are to walk away from all of that, figure out a way to pay the bills every month and pay tuition every quarter while continuing to nuture our family life.

God can move mountains. I do believe this. I have seen it. And I'm sharing this blog because I want others to see it too. Seven years ago God was leading me, preparing me, challenging me simply to see if I'd listen and now I understand why. If I'd not had that experience I might not be prepared for what lies ahead.

What If?

I noted something on my FB status a few weeks ago that solicited a thought provoking response. I had indicated that all my paperwork was into Iliff as of 10/28/09 and that it was now all in God's hands. A retired pastor friend of my commented, "what if Iliff and God don't agree?" I thought for a moment - well, what if?

The truth is that this 20 year journey has revealed itself more specifically over the years. I believed that I am in tune with what God is asking of me but then again, I feel like I've been here before and God was just testing me to see if I would be faithful. There's no question that I will be faithful to my calling, and if not ordination, then whatever that may be.

So what if? Well, if I've completely misread the signs and misunderstood His guidance for that many years and the door is closed, I'll keep praying and seeking His direction and faithfully following the path He's laid out for me. I'm okay with that. Perhaps I could be wrong and Iliff denies my application. Door closed. I understand that door-in-face experiences. I can appreciate the devils advocate position and I also understand the increasing challenges that comes with following the call.

Bring it on. Either way there is no doubt God has brought me to this point. Should He say "hey Cheryl, I just wanted to see if you'd do it, now let me really show you what I have planned" then I'm on my way. This is not MY dream to became an ordained minister. I believe it is God's dream for me.

I guess we'll know soon!

Imagination -

"There is nothing ''out there'' that's holding you down, - you are limiting yourself only with your own imagination. And your greatest limits are not even the ''cannot'' and the ''should not'', but the places where your imagination hasn't yet gone at all. There has never been a better time for you to open your eyes, let the imagination soar and see what more is possible."

This was my message today from a FB application I like to use occassionally. Just like a song I'll hear occassionally on Klove that fills my heart and brings tears to my eyes, this struck a chord with me. I'm the first to admit that I have some creative talents, i.e. stained glass, decorating, etc. but imagination isn't one of my strengths. Perhaps because I haven't masters that 'Dream Big' mentality.

I read my Pastor's blog in the wee hours of the morning and after months of searching for his next step he has come to realize that his 'next step' is thinking in a new way. I too need to begin to think in a new way. I need to recapture that postive mindedness I possess; that attitude that suggests it 'can' be done despite previous failures. I love when people on committees or at work tell me they've already tried something and it didn't work. It's my opportunity to say, hey, let's learn from our past and try again. Nothing is impossible.

I have no idea what God has in store for us in the future. Sometimes is exciting and at other times it's intimidating. At times I've been in complete denial that I am deeply rooted in a segment of the population that has been utterly persecuted. I think back over the years and remember how drawn I have been to the stories of the persecution of Jews and African Americans. Frankly, it disgusts me to the core. And in the larger scope of things I see the GLBT community in a similar situation. The Jews were God's chosen and yet the crimes of the Nazi's still horrified generations. So many people acted as if this would never happen in our country.
And yet we proceeded a decade later to do the very same to the African American community.
Have we learned anything? The GLBT community is misunderstood, ripped from their families, blocked from the church, killed, mocked, spit upon ...

I have developed a crazy notion over the past 15 years. An idea that suggests that God has a beautiful place prepared for GLBT persons in His ministry and His kingdom. I believe we were created the way we are -gay, straight, bisexual, transgendered, hermaphrodites, etc - and I believe we are here to open doors and build bridges across the nations and across the pews.
Perhaps I do have imagination after all.

I do not believe we will see this perfect community of humanity until we enter the gates of heaven but I believe as each generation comes into their own that the message will continue to gain momentum and be more openly received. No generation is ever lost. I've found wonderful acceptance through those of my parents generation and even older. But I believe our children will be the generation that makes this greatest impact on our world in this area. They are our future and we should be investing in them, building them up, providing guidance, structure, discipline and love. We need to step it up as parents, mentors and teachers. We cannot allow our children to inherit the ignorance of our past or the carelessness on our television sets.

My prayer is that my child accepts that she is a wonderful child of God. That her two moms were chosen by God to raise her. That her beautiful and loving extended family cares deeply for her. That God has set her apart to do something powerful with her life. To those whom much is given much is expected! Amen!

Personal Statement of Faith - prepared for Iliff Seminary

Born the youngest child of a career military officer I was baptized in the United Methodist Church and raised on the principles taught by organizations such as Focus on the Family. I learned through the years that the life of a military family left little opportunity for putting down roots. Our longest assignment was when I was in 6th - 10th grade. It was during this time that I discovered I was gay. Naturally those were formidable years and the secret I carried with me caused painful confusion and alienated me from my loved ones.

The next 15 years of my life were filled with unrest. I was unable to reconcile my faith and my sexual orientation, both of which I believed were gifts from God. My friends did not understand me. My family loved me deeply but could not accept me. The Church called me an abomination and told me I was unacceptable to God and society referred to those like me as sexual perverts. My Christian faith was as fundamental to me as breathing and those external messages contradicted that which God had placed on my heart as a young girl. As a result every aspect of my life was disrupted. Believing at times that my only certainty was in athletics I chased every scholarship opportunity I stumbled upon nearly destroying my ability to obtain my undergraduate degree. This was the single most demoralizing experience in my life.

Following graduation I thrust myself into a career pursuing validation and achievement. Undoubtedly this was my spiritual desert. I could not comprehend the kind of hate my sexual orientation evoked in society and particularly in conservative Christian circles. The God I knew did not discard His children nor instruct others to be His adjudicators. If God created me in His image how could He think this of me? Uncertainty permeated my very being but my faith in God remained steadfast. Despite earlier struggles I emerged a leader, effectively managing successful businesses, starting my own professional organizing business, training employees, developing corporate training manuals and leading several task forces addressing employment issues.

Years of internal conflict produced impatience and a need for perfection. These were negative
traits that I imposed on myself in an effort to counteract my failures and control my environment. I still wrestle with impatience on a day-to-day basis. However, my child-like faith often diffuses this on more significant issues. I have also found that my deep compassion for others allows me the ability to extend grace to myself. I am passionate about my faith and God’s message of grace. Because I am an internal processor I am intentional in my responses to others. I have an innate ability to understand diverse personalities, connect with people, diffuse conflict and refocus individuals and groups toward a common objective.

Most of my youth was focused on athletics yet some of my most significant childhood experiences were Sunday school, church camp, Youth group and Fellowship of Christian Athletes. However, it was one experience that transformed me. In 1985 I contracted an infection in my foot that resulted in blood poisoning and gangrene. I was hospitalized for two weeks and eventually underwent surgery. After a week the doctors told me that the surgery would either correct the problem, or if the infection had spread, I could loose my foot. The night before the surgery I was frustrated. I began to cry out to God asking why. At that moment I felt the overpowering presence of the Holy Spirit come down upon me and I heard an audible voice. “I have given you specials gifts so that you can fulfill my higher calling.” The message was so evident I began to weep. In that moment I realized that my athletic talent was merely a temporary platform, that God’s greater gift to me was a unique voice of compassion, and that He was preparing me for a ministry of reconciliation.

For twenty-five years I have struggled with this call. In 2000 I rededicated my life to Christ and began a journey of restoration. I immersed myself in the Gospel, attended church regularly, and devoted myself to prayer. In 2003 I was a founding member of Open Door Community Church of Denver and served as a lay pastor for two years. I had an insatiable appetite for the message of Christ. One by one, the stumbling blocks were removed. The Apostle Paul wrote “I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us..” (Philippians 3:12-14 NLT). As I continue to discern God continues to confirm my call to ministry.

A few months ago a pastor friend asked me what I knew for sure. This is what I know to be true. God has been calling me to become an ordained minister for 25 years. Seminary is necessary to challenge my thinking, and to provide the theological foundation necessary to fulfill His purpose. As uncomfortable as it is for me, God will use me in a very public way. He has asked me to make a sacrifice and to do something that seems impossible right now. God has given me deep passion for unity, a heart for reconciliation and a unique voice to reach across all pews. Iliff is the next step in this journey.

One of the most persuasive ways that the church can demonstrate honor towards God is to be unified in our quest to fulfill His purpose. In Galatians 3:28 the Apostle Paul wrote “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Jesus Christ.” (NKJV). The scripture suggests that Christianity implies an integration of gender, class, and ethnicity together in one shared identity. However, this unity is not always self-evident. In spite of efforts to live in community, history has shown us that individual identity has led to divisiveness, judgment, and separation.

Is it any wonder we have conflict, confusion and stagnation within and between denominations today? Nothing should precede God’s purpose. “The whole congregation of believers was united as one – one heart, one mind!” (Acts 4:32 TMB). The early church was unified in purpose. Jesus enlisted His followers to a life of service. While each had a different purpose within the body they all were called to fulfill the Great Commission. I believe that we must stop limiting God’s love. We must stop attempting to mold and construct the Body of Christ in our image rather than allowing God to guide us. Our prejudices, ignorance, and misinformation restrict God.

In the coming decades I believe the most significant divisions of Christianity will be within denominations. The conservative versus liberal labels and ways of thinking have dangerously divided our Christian family. Debates surrounding sexuality, abortion, war, evolution, poverty, and global climate change will continue to fester. However, I believe the biggest challenge for Christians in the 21st century will be the interpretation of Scripture. Discerning which scriptures we should interpret literally and which metaphorically, will be a defining moment in piecing together our fragmented household.

As a future ordained minister I see myself first as a Christian. My chosen denomination is the lens through which I focus my faith. My hope is that we can embrace all aspects of our traditions and celebrate our unity as Christians. From God’s perspective there is but “. . . one flock and one shepherd”. (John 10:16 NIV). God instructed us to keep unity. In order to protect and promote this we must consider the attitudes we bear. We must re-examine ourselves. We must admit our imperfections. We must receive one another unconditionally. We must offer forgiveness. We must humbly serve those who are different. We must focus on God’s purpose. And we must take the message of Jesus Christ to a divided world.

And Away We Go!

Last Friday morning I met with Tracy Dawson. She is a friend from church who is an attorney and a recent graduate of Iliff Seminary. We were able to discuss more specifics regarding classes, timeline, costs, the application process, etc. I knew after leaving that meeting that I didn't need to speak to anymore people about whether I should take this first step or not. That's been very clear to me all along. Of course, I will continue to seek counsel as we go forward on this crazy journey.

When I returned home from that meeting Friday I had a bunch of work to address. One of the reassigned claims that I received was for a traveling evangelical minister in Ft Collins. In five years of bodily injury claims that is my first minister client. I found that ironic and interesting. Coincidence? Or confirmation?

Martin Luther King once said something to the effect that faith is taking the first step on a staircase you cannot see. At this point I have decided to take that first step and apply at Iliff Seminary. The request for letters of recommendation are out. I am working on the application and have almost completed my personal statement. Transcripts need to be ordered (ug, that's the part I'm not excited about). Whether Cheryl's plans or Gods, what I'm feeling on my heart right now is to begin in January by taking one night class per quarter as we watch/listen for God's direction. The deadline for application is November 1.

This decision allows us a number of options as we prepare for this huge change in our lives. First, in October we will finally become members of Columbine United Church after nearly 5 years. This will allow me access to scholarships and grants in October 2010 from either the United Church of Christ or the United Methodist Church (whichever I choose to commit to). That's a topic all it's own. My church is aligned with three denominations: United Church of Christ, United Methodist and Presbyterian. Membership in CUC affords membership in each denominiation. However, at this point in time the United Church of Christ is the ONLY denomination that will ordain 'someone like me' - a gay person. I guess that path remains unclear at this point.

Second, the completion of the 2009 and 2010 work years at Farmers will give us access to additional cash and 401k contributions, as well as time for planning and savings. Yeah, and figuring out how we're going to pull this off. Finally, by taking a class I can get started working toward the degree, get involved in the Iliff community, perhaps get Kandis some worship gigs and get a feel for the options we might have going forward.

Do Something Beautiful for God

In anticipation of my meeting with Pastor Steve and further discussions and prayer requests of others I documented my journey to several individuals. As I sat down with Steve on my birthday I assumed he knew why I was there. I told him I was consumed assuming that he'd read my email. He asked why. And I realized that he had not read the email, infact, he had not received the email. So I took half an hour filling him in on the past 25 years, rather briefly. As I came to the part about standing at this crossroads his face turned red and he grinned.

He was excited and shared somethings with me about his perceptions of me over the past 4 years. He recalled a specific time when we were doing a forum. He told me that he observed me closely those nights as we heard from both sides on the issue. He saw in me the ability to remain calm and listen to those who didn't understand, who had their own perceptions and who just could not support the amendment. He said that I had the ability to listen and yet be heard. He had thought that I was the type of person that God called to ministry and that we needed more people like me in the ministry and in the world.

He too asked me what I knew. I told him I knew seminary was necessary to have the credentials to be ordained and to have the credibility needed to have a voice in the progressive movement.
He agreed. I told him that I knew that God was taking me way outside my comfort zone, putting me out in a public way to change lives. He agreed. And finally, I expressed that I did not know if God was calling me to be an ordained minister or to seek the necessary education to become a Christian counselor, non-profit organizer or lay leader. He smiled.

We discussed some of the huge obstacles in front of us; tuition, living expenses, our mortgage, Kandis's ministry calling, Jaida and my GPA. I told him that every other day I wake up and know that God can and will remove the obstacles. But on the off days I calulate the numbers and think it's impossible. Kandis seems to do this too, fortunately we're on opposite schedules. Funny how that works.

Steve's excitement was overwhelming to me. He told me that he believed I was absolutely standing at that crossroads and it would not be long at all before God would move on this. Before the meeting ended I just had to have more confirmation (as usual). I asked Steve what he'd learned about me, saw in me, felt of me and thought of me over the 4 years we'd known each other. He smiled and told me "Cheryl, you have the heart of a pastor. You are passionate. You have a deep compassion for people. You have a certain way of connecting with people. You are non-threatening. You are a slow flowing stream that runs very deep". I reminded him that I wasn't sure that God was calling me to be an ordained minister and he smiled, then laughed. And so did I!

We ended our meeting in prayer. As we bowed our heads and locked hands Steve stopped and told me that he just saw the wings of angels wrapped around my shoulders as if they were preparing to lift me up and help me soar. He prayed for me, for Kandis and for Jaida. The meeting was confirmation but the his vision during our prayer solidified everything. The drive home was very silent and reflective. For the first time in my life I fully acknowledged God calling me to ministry and I understood that this boat would soon be set to sail.

It Will Make No Sense At All

Make a sacrifice
God will ask you to do something that makes no sense at all
Do something beautiful for God.


Over Labor Dad weekend we have the opporunity to spend the weekend with my parents in Estes Park while they attended the Reconciling Ministries Network Convocation. Kandis and my father had committed to the worship team which we all imagined might be 1-2 hours of practice and 1-2 hours of performance. I wanted Kandis to have this opportunity and so I told her that would do everything possible to free her up for the 4 days. Little did I know we would share half hour meals and might have 1 hour a day with her. Jaida missed her and I was frustrated. Here my parents had put their heart and soul into this ministry, it was my first real exposure to it and I was unable to attend bible studies, lectures and might have gotten to see 20 minutes of the worship services before Jaida could no longer sit still (or be quiet). I was hoping after LaForet that the RMN conference would be a spiritually uplifting time for me with my family. I grew angry, frustrated and sad. I was happy that Kandis had the opportunity she had but sad that I missed a huge opportunity to be with my parents when they have committed so much of their lives and money to this ministry.

Yes, I even compared my 4 days to a spiritual desert. I was lonely and disappointed that God wasn't speaking to me. Alas, I was wrong once again. As we returned home and reflected about the weekend. And I realized that all weekend I was standing in front of that 4th and final hurdle - acknowledging that God had called me to ministry and accepting that call. FINALLY! I was able to confide in my parents about everything that I've written in this blog. I wasn't sure they were ready to hear that their lesbian daughter had been called to ministry and yet, they knew! Infact, days later my older sister told me that the entire reason my parents chose to submerge themselves into RMN was to pave a path should their daughter be seeking ordination in the future.

Those four obstacles I battled for 25 years were no longer an issue. I'd spent the prior weeks researching Iliff and other seminaries privately. I was afraid to tell Kandis what resolve I had come to for fear she'd 'freak out' or doubt. I have been consumed, now more than ever, to research, reach out, share, discuss, pray and listen for God's direction. The nudgings are forceful, the signs quite obvious and the confirmation profound.

I'd set up a meeting with Pastor Steve for my birthday, a meeting with Tracy Dawson who has recently finished seminary and also reached out to a couple of friends and mentors regarding my 25 year calling. No let me correct myself here. I was going to set up a meeting with Tracy Dawson by getting ahold of her on Monday but low and behold when I returned to my seat in the sanctuary Sunday morning she was sitting in the seat next to mine. Confirmation! After the service I was coraling Jaida and talking to Pastor Steve when Kathy Brown approached me. What she had to say must have been important because she walked straight over to me saying that there was an energy I exuded, perhaps a magnet that drew her to me and that she needed to get to know me. I was startled. Kathy was another person that I intended to speak with after learning about her seminary experience. I could barely respond to her, only that I had so much going on and didn't have time to respond. Confirmation! Fortunately I called Kathy that night and caught her up to speed and we both found the encounter interesting to say the least.

You know, it's as if God knows (well obviously He does) that the information I need to hear needs to come from a person I hold in high regard/respect for me to absorb and acknowledge it. Not that is has more credibility but it's always worked that way for me. So, when Peggy Campolo, Marvin Matthews, Rebecca Kemper-Poos, Kandis Glasgow, Kathy Brown, Tracy Dawson, Steve Poos-Benson, etc, say the things God knows I need to hear then I have received the confirmation I need. A pastor friend of mine in Arizona asked me recently about all of this by saying, "Cheryl, what is it that you know for sure?" I told Brian the same thing I told my mother last week. "Whatever it is that God is calling me to do, it's big, it's uncomfortable, it's public and it requires seminary." Those are the things God has shown me over the years.

Seminary? $50,000 for three years for tuition, fees and books for a Masters of Divinity. That doesn't include living expenses when I leave the security of a very good paying job to pursue this call full time. What else do I know? My seminary pursuit will be full time and it will be soon - perhaps before the close of 2011. Does God expect us to go into debt for this? How will we live on Kandis's income? Can we keep the house? And what about my college GPA from 20+ years ago that falls below the required GPA for seminary? God must move mountains to make this happen and I have NO doubt that He can and will. The numbers are impossible and none of it makes sense from a practical standpoint. And so we move forward, one day at a time, praying, trusting and listening ... God is asking us to do something that doesn't make sense at all.

Make a Sacrifice for God

Make a sacrafice.
God will ask you to do something that makes no sense at all.

That is what sticks with me from Sunday's sermon. Oh preach it Steve, this one is for me (as Tracy D. nudges me on the shoulder confirming just that). As if the events of the last month were not confirmation enough. Let me share them with you.

I failed to mention one very strange vision I had back when Kandis and I first met. We were attending church together and I was listening intently to the pastor. In a moment I saw my very own face on the shoulders of that pastor. I blinked my eyes but my head was still there on her shoulders preaching. I turned away and told Kandis about this. Weird! But I knew it was a sign. I'd been told in the past that I had the 'heart of a pastor' but that's not really what I wanted to hear. I would have been more comfortable hearing 'counselor, missionary, teacher'. Anyhow, that point is important as we journey forth.

Our family was fortunate enough to spend the weekend with CUC at LaForet in August. I wasn't sure what to expect now with a 2 year old in tow. But I planned to have lots of Jaida time and expected a good amount of fellowship as well. As the weekend passed I wondered if God had anything for me, any sign, any message, any inspiration but nothing came.

Just before we left La Foret Jaida insisted she say goodbye to her godparents, Denny and Joyce. As we sat down with a group of Monday ITL people Andrea was discussing her topic for the following night. Her topic was faithfulness and she did not want it to be confused with faith. She wanted to discuss faith in action. One of the questions that came out of the intense discussion was “would you be willing to go if God called you?” I sat and listened. Though exhausted Monday night we attended ITL. That question lingered in my mind. Tuesday morning on the way to work I turned on Klove. I had not done this in many, many months. About half way to work I spoke aloud "God, why can't I spend my life doing your work? I want to make a difference in this world"? I instantly heard God respond with a gigle, “Oh Cheryl, I have shown you.” I thought to myself, boy did Andrea open up an old can of worms.

For 25 years I have felt God calling me into ministry. Infact, if I'm completely honest what I do know is that God has been calling me to seminary. Of course, those are not the things I want to hear. How about working for a non-profit, becoming a Christian counselor, even missionary work? Why a pastor? UG! Well, I posted something interesting on FB about Andrea and her darn discussion because it truly opened wide God's call. The same night a friend sent some strange FB application and I thought I'd try it out for the heck of it. It was common, mundane, silly - perhaps life a fortune cookie - I did it anyway and this is what it said.

8/25/09 On this day of your life, Cheryl, we believe God wants you to know that He has an important purpose for you, and made everything possible for you to succeed. That's not to say it's an easy purpose, or a convenient one. It might very well seem hard or even impossible, but it only looks that way. The truth is that one day you will look back and see how all the pieces fit together.

Ok WHATEVER! The hits just keep on comin'! A few night later I was skimming through files on my computer of notes, bible studies and messages that I had prepared in the past. One file was titled 'Words.' I forgot that I ever documented this stuff and just smiled when I read them. Mind you, two of them have absolutely no history behind them - I'd never met those people before in my life. Peggy Campolo, wife of Evangelist Tony Campolo at Open Door Community Church Annual Conference Oct 2003. “You have a voice. The spirit of God is upon you.” Marvin Matthews, Grammy award singer/songwriter at the Open Door Community Church Annual Conference Oct 2004. “I sense the presence of God in you. You are anointed. You must speak with the tongue of a writer. What you have to say is very important. You are anointed. Walk in authority.” He turned to Kandis and said “You must nurture her.” Rebecca Kemper-Poos, Associate Pastor CUC 2006 - “I have seen a centered and deep spirituality in you and agree that you are called to ministry – that’s why I asked you to lead ITL that night.”

Ok so when it rains it poors. When ye of little faith ask for more signs and confirmation ye shall receive. :) When I heard God speaking to me after La Foret I knew that this time was different. I knew that I could no longer ignore his call and that He was moving swiftly in my life.

My Journey of Reconciliation

As I mentioned the pivitol time in my journey to reconcile my faith and my sexuality began in 2000. Most of you know my spouse and know that she lives her life 'out loud'. When I met Kandis she had no issues about being a lesbian and was firm in her faith. A few years prior she had become a Christian and was in the process of answering God's call in her life. Through hours of discussion, bible research, studies, convesations and prayer I quickly was able to overcome the first hurdle. These efforts showed me that the God I knew was still the God I knew and that the hateful words I had heard over the years came from fear, misinformation and bigotry. Just as it was important for me to share with you my history and the context in which I lived it and wrote it, it's crutial that when we interpret scripture that we do some the same way. That was a huge step BUT only the first step. I was able to understand and accept within months what I'd been unable to reconcile for the past 15 years - my faith and my sexual orientation.

That seem to come so naturally but I assure you it would be challenged over the next year. While I believed, as I always did, that God created me in His image, sexual orientation and all I was not able to live quite as comfortably as Kandis. Before she left for New Zealand she told me that she wanted to get married and settle down and if our relationship was not headed in that direction that neither of us should waste our time. Whoa! Now that is a concept I'd never considered possible and one of those things on the list that I said I'd never do. If society would not accept my relationship and legally support it as marriage then there was no possible way that I could marry Kandis. But that led to more doubt. Could God truly condone and bless a same sex relationship? Perhaps that is one of the reasons why we were separated for 8 long, agonizing months. Each of us had personal issues to deal with and that time forced us to face those issues while we also nurtured a relationship mostly be email.

One day I was driving home from work and listening to a Jesus song - something about God asking us to do something we didn't want to do. And it came to me, this familiar overwhelming feeling that I was going to marry Kandis in a public way and that I was going to have to be the one to ask her. What? Uh, NO! Well, I didn't have a choice in the matter. I believe God was nudging me and would work with me to prepare me for this. Over the months I acknowledged this and had a plan to do just that. When Kandis returned home from her mission work, hesitantly I asked the question she longed to hear. She knew I was hesitant. I knew I loved her and I knew God was working on me in this area. She agreed and we both giggled wondering when I would finally come around. All along I knew I was suppose to do this but I fought it and fought it. Was it really necessary to make a public declaration of something that society, the church and the law would not validate? Yes Cheryl, because you're so hard-headed, it was. In a public ceremony in front of hundreds of friends, family, co-workers and clients we shared this special occassion. It was in those moments that God spoke through the words of Kandis's song to me that I had confirmation that God blessed our marriage.

God must just giggle when it's His time to deal with me. I'd oversome the second hurdle that stood in my way of answering his call. Unfortunately there were 4 hurdles in all and I still had 2 to go. As the years passed Kandis and I discussed children from time to time. My usual response was 'if God wanted us to have children we'd have children.' Kandis would look at me and wonder just how I expected that to ever happen. You see, I understood that I was a blessed child of God. I understood God bless our union but I still doubted my worthiness in raising a child and figure if God wanted me to have children then yes, there would the a second immaculate conception.

Well God put certain people in our lives that would show us not only were we worthy but we were called to parent a child. The thought of carrying and giving birth to a child seemed dreamy until you get down to the specifics. Nine months of sickness and the childbirth alone was enough for me to never consider that option. Until of course, we did. Over the course of a year we tried 6 times by artificial insemination. With each attempt our hope increased and with each failure so did our disappointment.

In August 2006 we attended a Joyce Meyer conference. The entire weekend was good as expected but I was contemplating how nothing in the meetings or worship had truly spoken to me with any signifcance. On the final day we witnesses a 20 minute video on overseas missionary work in Africa and India. As I watched those beautiful little children stuggle day to day tears welled up in my eyes and once again that (oh so familiar) overwhelming spirit came over me. I heard an audible voice "this is your future". I began to sob. God was either calling me to do missionary work in third world countries or adopt a third world child. I lost control of my emotions and as I took a deep breath I again heard "move on." When I was able to control myself I turned to Kandis and said, "we're going to adopt". And of course her reply was "I know."

In that moment I understood that words I had prophecied so many years ago would come to be. When I was younger and people found out I was gay they would immediately assume that I did not want children. Infact, I had always wanted children but would reply to them that there were so many children in the world that it would be more wise to adopt. BAM! Hurdle number 3 -behind me. As you all know God blessed us with a beautiful little girl on May 24, 2007. Some of you may not know that she was born almost exactly 9 months after He spoke to me at the Joyce Meyer conference. His timing never ceases to amaze me and He does find the most unusual ways to communiccate with us. There was no doubt the moment I saw the birth of my sweet little girl that I knew that I, we, were worthy of the most beautiful gift on earth.

You'd think by now that I would have figured it all out. That I could look back and see how God removed all those obstacles. And you'd think that I'd stand up and say 'OK God, I give up. I'm yours. Do with me what you will." I did that at age 17 but couldn't do it at age 40. Somehow, even after all He had shown me, I still doubted that I was good enough or worthy of His call to ministry. I wondered who would want to listen to me speak? Who would think I had anything poinant to say? And why would God take somehow who hates to have attention focused on them, who hates to stand out in a crowd and who hates conflict to become a minister of the Gospel? He must know something I don't.

A Brief History

Today is my 42nd birthday and it was a day of celebration. I've received wonderful greetings from friends and family but the most important gift I received is confirmation, peace, direction and freedom. Since 1985 God has been asking me to do something for him. Thank you Steve for your confirmation by way of your 9/13/09 sermon. For 24 years God has called me into ministry and for 24 years I have denied the call. The stirring within my soul became unavoidable this August. I have received 'signs' that I can no longer avoid. So I've chosen to start this blog to memoralize my journey of reconciliation - past, present and future. To understand my journey one must first understand my past.

In the early 80's I had come to understand and identify that I was different. It was at this time that I acknowledged that I was gay. At 14 years old, the peak of puberty, hormones and attitude I had a secret that I could not share. This was just the beginning of a twenty-something year journey of self awareness.

Our family relocated from Montana to Nebraska prior to my junior year in high school. As we packed and stored away our personal belongings I tucked away my little secret and tried to find my place in this new community. I was angry at my parents for taking me away from my friends and from a safe environment where I felt that my secret could be shared and accepted. Over the course of the next two years I attended a number of Fellowship of Christian Athletes sports camps across the country. I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior and dedicated the next few years to this new life, hoping to leave behind that little secret. I emersed myself in FCA, bible studies, Christian fellowship, academics and sports. But no matter how hard I tried to escape that secret kept torturing me. In my final semester I was consumed with college visitations, comparing athletic scholarships and seeking additional opportunities as our basketball season was concluding. It was at this time that something happened to me that would change my life forever.

By strange circumstances I contracted a staph infection in my right foot that resulted in blood poisoning and left me hospitalized for two weeks. This was at the height of the hysteria over the unknown disease HIV/AIDS. I shared a room with a girl much younger than me and became a friend and mentor to her. She had also contracted a staph infection in her arm and had to undergo an amputation. I was under regular medical observation and IV antibiotics. Nothing appeared to be too serious except the complete distruption this was having on my scholarship opportunities. Given that my parents felt comfortable making the trip to South Dakota for the birth of their first grandchild. But within 24 hours things had changed. The antibiotics were not effective and there was concern that the infection was spreading. The medical staff determined they would have to operate to explore and contain the infection if possible. I remember so vividly the night before my scheduled surgery. The doctor came into my room and pulled the curtain between the two beds. He told me his hope was that the procedure would be a debriedment of the infection but warned me that if the infection had penetrated the bone the worst case scenario would be amputation. All night long a constant reminder of that worst case scenario laid in the hospital bed next to me. In the middle of the night the nurses were poking and proding and I could not sleep. I found myself crying, pleading with God and praying. "God why is this happening to me? Why now? I'm an athlete and I need my foot to get a scholarship to pay for college." An overwhelming sensation came over me and I began to sob. It was almost as if God audibly responded, "You are a child of God. Your sports are the pulpil from which you will further my kingdom." This was a powerful and pivitol event in my life. In that moment I understood that God had given me this gift (athletic ability) as a pulpit to minister to others and with our without my foot I could fulfil His request.

I eventually found my way to Bowling Green State University on a full ride volleyball scholarship in the fall of 1985. I signed the letter of content for two reasons: BGSU was an NCAA Division I school and the coach was a Christian. This decision put me thousands of miles from my family and gave me the freedom to explore who I truly was. My secret was shared with a select few and got back to my Christian friends and coach. Tormented I had no other option but to live two separate lives - one with my Christian friends and the other with a few lesbians that I had met. Leading two lives and keeping secrets was detrimental to me mentally, physically and emotionally. I was torn between my faith and my sexual orientation, both of which I considered a gift from God.

I returned home after my first year of college and caved into peer pressure, dated and eventually became engaged to a man. My parents, friends and family were happy (and likely relieved) and therefore, on the outside, I was happy too. As the wedding approached I understood the consequences of my decisions. I was torn inside, lonely and wanted to run away. Instead I faced my fiance, though I was not 100% honest with him, and called off the wedding. Eventually this led to the conclusion of that relationship as well.

At that point I was no closer to reconciling my faith and my sexual orientation and lost control. I'd moved so much in my younger years, leaving friends behind, picking up the pieces and starting over. It seemed appropriate at this time as well and so began a 12 year cycle of moves - different schools, different cities and states, different jobs and different relationships. By the time I was 35 I slowed down and wondered where the years had gone.

I believed I was a child of God and I truly believe that God created me just as I am but I could not shake what 'the church' and society had to say about people like me - "psychological disorder, sinful, an abomination and sexual pervert." It just did not make sense to me. How could people be so hateful? Why would God allow us to be abused, rejected and hated? This would not be acceptible to the God I knew and served. But it was this kind of hateful message that left me with such baggage. I was not convinced that God would bless a same sex relationship. I certainly didn't think He would bless the relationship with children. And finally, I did not feel worthy of the call to ministry He had shown me many years prior. Through all of this there were two things that remained - I was a child of God and I would hang on to my faith if it was all I had.

In 2000 I met my soulmate and life partner, Kandis. We discussed our faith journeys, trials and tribulations. When Kandis told me that she would be leaving for New Zealand in the near future to follow God's call to missionary work I knew that I had found something special. I understood this call and I understood that she must complete this mission before we could ever consider a future together. In those first 7 months we studied the bible and attended church together. I shared my inner most thoughts with her and revealed my call to ministry. We had barely scratched the surface before she left for New Zealand. We were at different places in our lives and spiritual journeys and we both knew that we could not let anything interfere with her mission. This was a pivitol time and truly the beginning of my reconciliation process.