As I mentioned the pivitol time in my journey to reconcile my faith and my sexuality began in 2000. Most of you know my spouse and know that she lives her life 'out loud'. When I met Kandis she had no issues about being a lesbian and was firm in her faith. A few years prior she had become a Christian and was in the process of answering God's call in her life. Through hours of discussion, bible research, studies, convesations and prayer I quickly was able to overcome the first hurdle. These efforts showed me that the God I knew was still the God I knew and that the hateful words I had heard over the years came from fear, misinformation and bigotry. Just as it was important for me to share with you my history and the context in which I lived it and wrote it, it's crutial that when we interpret scripture that we do some the same way. That was a huge step BUT only the first step. I was able to understand and accept within months what I'd been unable to reconcile for the past 15 years - my faith and my sexual orientation.
That seem to come so naturally but I assure you it would be challenged over the next year. While I believed, as I always did, that God created me in His image, sexual orientation and all I was not able to live quite as comfortably as Kandis. Before she left for New Zealand she told me that she wanted to get married and settle down and if our relationship was not headed in that direction that neither of us should waste our time. Whoa! Now that is a concept I'd never considered possible and one of those things on the list that I said I'd never do. If society would not accept my relationship and legally support it as marriage then there was no possible way that I could marry Kandis. But that led to more doubt. Could God truly condone and bless a same sex relationship? Perhaps that is one of the reasons why we were separated for 8 long, agonizing months. Each of us had personal issues to deal with and that time forced us to face those issues while we also nurtured a relationship mostly be email.
One day I was driving home from work and listening to a Jesus song - something about God asking us to do something we didn't want to do. And it came to me, this familiar overwhelming feeling that I was going to marry Kandis in a public way and that I was going to have to be the one to ask her. What? Uh, NO! Well, I didn't have a choice in the matter. I believe God was nudging me and would work with me to prepare me for this. Over the months I acknowledged this and had a plan to do just that. When Kandis returned home from her mission work, hesitantly I asked the question she longed to hear. She knew I was hesitant. I knew I loved her and I knew God was working on me in this area. She agreed and we both giggled wondering when I would finally come around. All along I knew I was suppose to do this but I fought it and fought it. Was it really necessary to make a public declaration of something that society, the church and the law would not validate? Yes Cheryl, because you're so hard-headed, it was. In a public ceremony in front of hundreds of friends, family, co-workers and clients we shared this special occassion. It was in those moments that God spoke through the words of Kandis's song to me that I had confirmation that God blessed our marriage.
God must just giggle when it's His time to deal with me. I'd oversome the second hurdle that stood in my way of answering his call. Unfortunately there were 4 hurdles in all and I still had 2 to go. As the years passed Kandis and I discussed children from time to time. My usual response was 'if God wanted us to have children we'd have children.' Kandis would look at me and wonder just how I expected that to ever happen. You see, I understood that I was a blessed child of God. I understood God bless our union but I still doubted my worthiness in raising a child and figure if God wanted me to have children then yes, there would the a second immaculate conception.
Well God put certain people in our lives that would show us not only were we worthy but we were called to parent a child. The thought of carrying and giving birth to a child seemed dreamy until you get down to the specifics. Nine months of sickness and the childbirth alone was enough for me to never consider that option. Until of course, we did. Over the course of a year we tried 6 times by artificial insemination. With each attempt our hope increased and with each failure so did our disappointment.
That seem to come so naturally but I assure you it would be challenged over the next year. While I believed, as I always did, that God created me in His image, sexual orientation and all I was not able to live quite as comfortably as Kandis. Before she left for New Zealand she told me that she wanted to get married and settle down and if our relationship was not headed in that direction that neither of us should waste our time. Whoa! Now that is a concept I'd never considered possible and one of those things on the list that I said I'd never do. If society would not accept my relationship and legally support it as marriage then there was no possible way that I could marry Kandis. But that led to more doubt. Could God truly condone and bless a same sex relationship? Perhaps that is one of the reasons why we were separated for 8 long, agonizing months. Each of us had personal issues to deal with and that time forced us to face those issues while we also nurtured a relationship mostly be email.
One day I was driving home from work and listening to a Jesus song - something about God asking us to do something we didn't want to do. And it came to me, this familiar overwhelming feeling that I was going to marry Kandis in a public way and that I was going to have to be the one to ask her. What? Uh, NO! Well, I didn't have a choice in the matter. I believe God was nudging me and would work with me to prepare me for this. Over the months I acknowledged this and had a plan to do just that. When Kandis returned home from her mission work, hesitantly I asked the question she longed to hear. She knew I was hesitant. I knew I loved her and I knew God was working on me in this area. She agreed and we both giggled wondering when I would finally come around. All along I knew I was suppose to do this but I fought it and fought it. Was it really necessary to make a public declaration of something that society, the church and the law would not validate? Yes Cheryl, because you're so hard-headed, it was. In a public ceremony in front of hundreds of friends, family, co-workers and clients we shared this special occassion. It was in those moments that God spoke through the words of Kandis's song to me that I had confirmation that God blessed our marriage.
God must just giggle when it's His time to deal with me. I'd oversome the second hurdle that stood in my way of answering his call. Unfortunately there were 4 hurdles in all and I still had 2 to go. As the years passed Kandis and I discussed children from time to time. My usual response was 'if God wanted us to have children we'd have children.' Kandis would look at me and wonder just how I expected that to ever happen. You see, I understood that I was a blessed child of God. I understood God bless our union but I still doubted my worthiness in raising a child and figure if God wanted me to have children then yes, there would the a second immaculate conception.
Well God put certain people in our lives that would show us not only were we worthy but we were called to parent a child. The thought of carrying and giving birth to a child seemed dreamy until you get down to the specifics. Nine months of sickness and the childbirth alone was enough for me to never consider that option. Until of course, we did. Over the course of a year we tried 6 times by artificial insemination. With each attempt our hope increased and with each failure so did our disappointment.
In August 2006 we attended a Joyce Meyer conference. The entire weekend was good as expected but I was contemplating how nothing in the meetings or worship had truly spoken to me with any signifcance. On the final day we witnesses a 20 minute video on overseas missionary work in Africa and India. As I watched those beautiful little children stuggle day to day tears welled up in my eyes and once again that (oh so familiar) overwhelming spirit came over me. I heard an audible voice "this is your future". I began to sob. God was either calling me to do missionary work in third world countries or adopt a third world child. I lost control of my emotions and as I took a deep breath I again heard "move on." When I was able to control myself I turned to Kandis and said, "we're going to adopt". And of course her reply was "I know."
In that moment I understood that words I had prophecied so many years ago would come to be. When I was younger and people found out I was gay they would immediately assume that I did not want children. Infact, I had always wanted children but would reply to them that there were so many children in the world that it would be more wise to adopt. BAM! Hurdle number 3 -behind me. As you all know God blessed us with a beautiful little girl on May 24, 2007. Some of you may not know that she was born almost exactly 9 months after He spoke to me at the Joyce Meyer conference. His timing never ceases to amaze me and He does find the most unusual ways to communiccate with us. There was no doubt the moment I saw the birth of my sweet little girl that I knew that I, we, were worthy of the most beautiful gift on earth.
You'd think by now that I would have figured it all out. That I could look back and see how God removed all those obstacles. And you'd think that I'd stand up and say 'OK God, I give up. I'm yours. Do with me what you will." I did that at age 17 but couldn't do it at age 40. Somehow, even after all He had shown me, I still doubted that I was good enough or worthy of His call to ministry. I wondered who would want to listen to me speak? Who would think I had anything poinant to say? And why would God take somehow who hates to have attention focused on them, who hates to stand out in a crowd and who hates conflict to become a minister of the Gospel? He must know something I don't.
In that moment I understood that words I had prophecied so many years ago would come to be. When I was younger and people found out I was gay they would immediately assume that I did not want children. Infact, I had always wanted children but would reply to them that there were so many children in the world that it would be more wise to adopt. BAM! Hurdle number 3 -behind me. As you all know God blessed us with a beautiful little girl on May 24, 2007. Some of you may not know that she was born almost exactly 9 months after He spoke to me at the Joyce Meyer conference. His timing never ceases to amaze me and He does find the most unusual ways to communiccate with us. There was no doubt the moment I saw the birth of my sweet little girl that I knew that I, we, were worthy of the most beautiful gift on earth.
You'd think by now that I would have figured it all out. That I could look back and see how God removed all those obstacles. And you'd think that I'd stand up and say 'OK God, I give up. I'm yours. Do with me what you will." I did that at age 17 but couldn't do it at age 40. Somehow, even after all He had shown me, I still doubted that I was good enough or worthy of His call to ministry. I wondered who would want to listen to me speak? Who would think I had anything poinant to say? And why would God take somehow who hates to have attention focused on them, who hates to stand out in a crowd and who hates conflict to become a minister of the Gospel? He must know something I don't.
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