Today is my 42nd birthday and it was a day of celebration. I've received wonderful greetings from friends and family but the most important gift I received is confirmation, peace, direction and freedom. Since 1985 God has been asking me to do something for him. Thank you Steve for your confirmation by way of your 9/13/09 sermon. For 24 years God has called me into ministry and for 24 years I have denied the call. The stirring within my soul became unavoidable this August. I have received 'signs' that I can no longer avoid. So I've chosen to start this blog to memoralize my journey of reconciliation - past, present and future. To understand my journey one must first understand my past.
In the early 80's I had come to understand and identify that I was different. It was at this time that I acknowledged that I was gay. At 14 years old, the peak of puberty, hormones and attitude I had a secret that I could not share. This was just the beginning of a twenty-something year journey of self awareness.
Our family relocated from Montana to Nebraska prior to my junior year in high school. As we packed and stored away our personal belongings I tucked away my little secret and tried to find my place in this new community. I was angry at my parents for taking me away from my friends and from a safe environment where I felt that my secret could be shared and accepted. Over the course of the next two years I attended a number of Fellowship of Christian Athletes sports camps across the country. I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior and dedicated the next few years to this new life, hoping to leave behind that little secret. I emersed myself in FCA, bible studies, Christian fellowship, academics and sports. But no matter how hard I tried to escape that secret kept torturing me. In my final semester I was consumed with college visitations, comparing athletic scholarships and seeking additional opportunities as our basketball season was concluding. It was at this time that something happened to me that would change my life forever.
By strange circumstances I contracted a staph infection in my right foot that resulted in blood poisoning and left me hospitalized for two weeks. This was at the height of the hysteria over the unknown disease HIV/AIDS. I shared a room with a girl much younger than me and became a friend and mentor to her. She had also contracted a staph infection in her arm and had to undergo an amputation. I was under regular medical observation and IV antibiotics. Nothing appeared to be too serious except the complete distruption this was having on my scholarship opportunities. Given that my parents felt comfortable making the trip to South Dakota for the birth of their first grandchild. But within 24 hours things had changed. The antibiotics were not effective and there was concern that the infection was spreading. The medical staff determined they would have to operate to explore and contain the infection if possible. I remember so vividly the night before my scheduled surgery. The doctor came into my room and pulled the curtain between the two beds. He told me his hope was that the procedure would be a debriedment of the infection but warned me that if the infection had penetrated the bone the worst case scenario would be amputation. All night long a constant reminder of that worst case scenario laid in the hospital bed next to me. In the middle of the night the nurses were poking and proding and I could not sleep. I found myself crying, pleading with God and praying. "God why is this happening to me? Why now? I'm an athlete and I need my foot to get a scholarship to pay for college." An overwhelming sensation came over me and I began to sob. It was almost as if God audibly responded, "You are a child of God. Your sports are the pulpil from which you will further my kingdom." This was a powerful and pivitol event in my life. In that moment I understood that God had given me this gift (athletic ability) as a pulpit to minister to others and with our without my foot I could fulfil His request.
I eventually found my way to Bowling Green State University on a full ride volleyball scholarship in the fall of 1985. I signed the letter of content for two reasons: BGSU was an NCAA Division I school and the coach was a Christian. This decision put me thousands of miles from my family and gave me the freedom to explore who I truly was. My secret was shared with a select few and got back to my Christian friends and coach. Tormented I had no other option but to live two separate lives - one with my Christian friends and the other with a few lesbians that I had met. Leading two lives and keeping secrets was detrimental to me mentally, physically and emotionally. I was torn between my faith and my sexual orientation, both of which I considered a gift from God.
In the early 80's I had come to understand and identify that I was different. It was at this time that I acknowledged that I was gay. At 14 years old, the peak of puberty, hormones and attitude I had a secret that I could not share. This was just the beginning of a twenty-something year journey of self awareness.
Our family relocated from Montana to Nebraska prior to my junior year in high school. As we packed and stored away our personal belongings I tucked away my little secret and tried to find my place in this new community. I was angry at my parents for taking me away from my friends and from a safe environment where I felt that my secret could be shared and accepted. Over the course of the next two years I attended a number of Fellowship of Christian Athletes sports camps across the country. I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior and dedicated the next few years to this new life, hoping to leave behind that little secret. I emersed myself in FCA, bible studies, Christian fellowship, academics and sports. But no matter how hard I tried to escape that secret kept torturing me. In my final semester I was consumed with college visitations, comparing athletic scholarships and seeking additional opportunities as our basketball season was concluding. It was at this time that something happened to me that would change my life forever.
By strange circumstances I contracted a staph infection in my right foot that resulted in blood poisoning and left me hospitalized for two weeks. This was at the height of the hysteria over the unknown disease HIV/AIDS. I shared a room with a girl much younger than me and became a friend and mentor to her. She had also contracted a staph infection in her arm and had to undergo an amputation. I was under regular medical observation and IV antibiotics. Nothing appeared to be too serious except the complete distruption this was having on my scholarship opportunities. Given that my parents felt comfortable making the trip to South Dakota for the birth of their first grandchild. But within 24 hours things had changed. The antibiotics were not effective and there was concern that the infection was spreading. The medical staff determined they would have to operate to explore and contain the infection if possible. I remember so vividly the night before my scheduled surgery. The doctor came into my room and pulled the curtain between the two beds. He told me his hope was that the procedure would be a debriedment of the infection but warned me that if the infection had penetrated the bone the worst case scenario would be amputation. All night long a constant reminder of that worst case scenario laid in the hospital bed next to me. In the middle of the night the nurses were poking and proding and I could not sleep. I found myself crying, pleading with God and praying. "God why is this happening to me? Why now? I'm an athlete and I need my foot to get a scholarship to pay for college." An overwhelming sensation came over me and I began to sob. It was almost as if God audibly responded, "You are a child of God. Your sports are the pulpil from which you will further my kingdom." This was a powerful and pivitol event in my life. In that moment I understood that God had given me this gift (athletic ability) as a pulpit to minister to others and with our without my foot I could fulfil His request.
I eventually found my way to Bowling Green State University on a full ride volleyball scholarship in the fall of 1985. I signed the letter of content for two reasons: BGSU was an NCAA Division I school and the coach was a Christian. This decision put me thousands of miles from my family and gave me the freedom to explore who I truly was. My secret was shared with a select few and got back to my Christian friends and coach. Tormented I had no other option but to live two separate lives - one with my Christian friends and the other with a few lesbians that I had met. Leading two lives and keeping secrets was detrimental to me mentally, physically and emotionally. I was torn between my faith and my sexual orientation, both of which I considered a gift from God.
I returned home after my first year of college and caved into peer pressure, dated and eventually became engaged to a man. My parents, friends and family were happy (and likely relieved) and therefore, on the outside, I was happy too. As the wedding approached I understood the consequences of my decisions. I was torn inside, lonely and wanted to run away. Instead I faced my fiance, though I was not 100% honest with him, and called off the wedding. Eventually this led to the conclusion of that relationship as well.
At that point I was no closer to reconciling my faith and my sexual orientation and lost control. I'd moved so much in my younger years, leaving friends behind, picking up the pieces and starting over. It seemed appropriate at this time as well and so began a 12 year cycle of moves - different schools, different cities and states, different jobs and different relationships. By the time I was 35 I slowed down and wondered where the years had gone.
I believed I was a child of God and I truly believe that God created me just as I am but I could not shake what 'the church' and society had to say about people like me - "psychological disorder, sinful, an abomination and sexual pervert." It just did not make sense to me. How could people be so hateful? Why would God allow us to be abused, rejected and hated? This would not be acceptible to the God I knew and served. But it was this kind of hateful message that left me with such baggage. I was not convinced that God would bless a same sex relationship. I certainly didn't think He would bless the relationship with children. And finally, I did not feel worthy of the call to ministry He had shown me many years prior. Through all of this there were two things that remained - I was a child of God and I would hang on to my faith if it was all I had.
In 2000 I met my soulmate and life partner, Kandis. We discussed our faith journeys, trials and tribulations. When Kandis told me that she would be leaving for New Zealand in the near future to follow God's call to missionary work I knew that I had found something special. I understood this call and I understood that she must complete this mission before we could ever consider a future together. In those first 7 months we studied the bible and attended church together. I shared my inner most thoughts with her and revealed my call to ministry. We had barely scratched the surface before she left for New Zealand. We were at different places in our lives and spiritual journeys and we both knew that we could not let anything interfere with her mission. This was a pivitol time and truly the beginning of my reconciliation process.
At that point I was no closer to reconciling my faith and my sexual orientation and lost control. I'd moved so much in my younger years, leaving friends behind, picking up the pieces and starting over. It seemed appropriate at this time as well and so began a 12 year cycle of moves - different schools, different cities and states, different jobs and different relationships. By the time I was 35 I slowed down and wondered where the years had gone.
I believed I was a child of God and I truly believe that God created me just as I am but I could not shake what 'the church' and society had to say about people like me - "psychological disorder, sinful, an abomination and sexual pervert." It just did not make sense to me. How could people be so hateful? Why would God allow us to be abused, rejected and hated? This would not be acceptible to the God I knew and served. But it was this kind of hateful message that left me with such baggage. I was not convinced that God would bless a same sex relationship. I certainly didn't think He would bless the relationship with children. And finally, I did not feel worthy of the call to ministry He had shown me many years prior. Through all of this there were two things that remained - I was a child of God and I would hang on to my faith if it was all I had.
In 2000 I met my soulmate and life partner, Kandis. We discussed our faith journeys, trials and tribulations. When Kandis told me that she would be leaving for New Zealand in the near future to follow God's call to missionary work I knew that I had found something special. I understood this call and I understood that she must complete this mission before we could ever consider a future together. In those first 7 months we studied the bible and attended church together. I shared my inner most thoughts with her and revealed my call to ministry. We had barely scratched the surface before she left for New Zealand. We were at different places in our lives and spiritual journeys and we both knew that we could not let anything interfere with her mission. This was a pivitol time and truly the beginning of my reconciliation process.
Happy Birthday, Cheryl! And I love the new blog. I'm glad you decided to do it. -Kelly
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